Reflection 5 - Living with Suicide

Living with Suicide

The above quotation speaks to each of us so profoundly as this afternoon brings us together in a profound and deep manner. A gathering that no words can adequately express; a gathering where we know each other; a knowing expressed from the depths of our being. Our hearts and souls unite in stillness; in silence; in the emotion of pain amongst others but above all else we gather in hope which unites us; each of us is in this sacred place in the presence of each other and the God of our understanding. This God is different for each of us given our experience yet the God of our understanding beholds and holds us. He holds us in our profound pain; in our grief; in our desperation, loneliness and barrenness.

We are, as John O'Donoghue says in his poem FOR GRIEF taken from BENEDICTUS 'ambushed by grief'. A grief that has absolutely no boundaries; no time ; a pain that pierces our souls; a pain way beyond human understanding as it pierces again and again the heart and soul of each one of us. Grief is a horrid pain; the deepest pain of our existence; yet a pain that never leaves us until we learn to literally stand in this pain little by little as our hearts and bodies allow. Oh yes, the pain of our grief and our grief cry out deep within us with the question WHY?

Again John O'Donoghue speaks to us 'No one knows what has been taken from you when the silence of absence deepens'. So why did our loved one leave us so suddenly; so unexpectedly; so young; why did we not spot the signs if they were there? Why? Why? Why? Both this word and question torment and debilitate us; leaving us wilting and worn as we search our hearts and souls; as we recall last conversations; sms texts; moments of contact; the last words said to us. Yet we torment ourselves with this word WHY. The answers we seek - we find not; there are no answers and this WHY can dominate our lives; invite us to bitterness; resentment and invite us to that place of the 'weak reed' that The Midrash speaks of; this reed that is so easily broken alone. Yet we are worth much more. We know this. God desires more of us. He is willing to love us into a more abundant life. 'I have come that you may have life and have it in its fullness' John 10:10.

When we are ready; when the WHY looses its power; wears us out, we let go in exhaustion; in relief. With the blessings of the God of our understanding we let go and what a great relief. So our pain turns - what was hopeless now offers us a glimpse of light; a ray of hope; a smile of consolation, a life we can begin living from a more profound place within. As John O'Donoghue says to us ' You are able to enter the hearth of your soul where your loved one has awaited your return all the time'. On entering the deepest place of our very being in the presence of God we are gifted with consolation; with the presence of the one we love. A different presence that we have known up to now; a presence that conquers the absence we have been experiencing. Their presence now guides us; brings us to a place of serenity; watches over us; assures us. Their spirits are present to us as the God of our understanding heals the wounds of our broken hearts. Our loved ones are present with us as we proclaim with Majorie Pizier ' I am learning to look at your life again instead of your death and your departing'. What a gracious relief; what a profound healing for which we can give thanks.

To arrive at this place in our souls is one of immense healing; it affords us hope; a hope hitherto unknown; unexpected; the soul pain eases as we know in the depths of our being that those we love and have died so suddenly; so young; so unexpectedly rest in safety and freedom in the presence and the peace of their God.

We give thanks for all who have supported us in our bereavement, those who have respected and honoured the life; death and memory of the one we have loved, and continue to love, and in turn we ask the Lord that their spirits will love us.

May their gracious souls rest in peace.

Address given for CONSOLE (living with suicide) at the Augustinian Church, Limerick, on Sunday 7th December 2008.

Written by Frank DOWNES OP

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