Aidan McKiernan, Principal Specialist Child Psychologist, LauraLynn, Ireland’s Children’s Hospice.Christmas can be an unbearably difficult time when a child or young person has died. While the world around us seems busy preparing and celebrating, <a href="https://rip.ie/grief-and-bereavement-support/what-to-say-and-not-say-to-a-grieving-parent-260">bereaved families</a> may experience the season very differently. What once felt joyful can now bring waves of sadness, longing, and isolation.<h3>The Buildup and the Day Itself</h3>Over the years, many families have shared that one of the hardest parts is not only the day itself, but the buildup—the weeks of anticipation, the decorations appearing, the music in shops, the gentle or not-so-gentle reminders of what is missing. The thought of Christmas can be overwhelming, and yet when the day arrives, it may feel strangely ordinary: a day marked by a painful absence while the tasks of everyday living continue. This contrast can be deeply painful.<h3>Questions in the Early Years of Bereavement</h3>Especially in the early years of bereavement, families may wonder how they will survive their grief and face a new year. It is natural for parents to feel they simply want to “cancel” Christmas altogether. If this is your first year, you may feel confused and unsure of how to approach it. Many questions arise: Do we decorate the tree? Should we send cards? Attend the festive meal? Go to a family gathering? Some parents feel guilty if they choose to participate; others feel guilty if they don’t. In truth, there are no right or wrong answers—only what is right for you at this moment in time.<h3>Carrying Loving Memory Forward</h3>As the years pass, many families find ways to carry the loving <a href="https://rip.ie/grief-and-bereavement-support/honouring-your-childs-memory-finding-ways-to-remember-261">memory of their child </a>with them into future Christmas seasons. But for now, if you are grieving, please know that you are not alone. Many hold you in their thoughts and hearts during these tender weeks.<h3>Suggestions for the Weeks Ahead</h3><ul style="list-style-type:disc"><li>Let yourself decide what is best for you. Do not allow others to dictate what you should or shouldn’t do. Grief is deeply personal, and only you can know what feels manageable.</li><li>Leave room for change. Sometimes we do not know what we can face until the last moment. It is entirely acceptable to change plans or step back if you need to—those close to you will understand.</li><li>Tell trusted friends or family what you need. You may wish to talk about your child—or you may not. Let others know how they can <a href="https://rip.ie/grief-and-bereavement-support/supporting-a-family-after-the-loss-of-a-child-259">support</a> you (be as specific [and realistic] as possible).</li><li>Be mindful of younger children in the family. They may want Christmas to continue as before. Children grieve differently to adults, so talking together about what each of you wants or needs can help.</li><li>Acknowledge how hard family gatherings can feel. Christmas is widely seen as a family time, which can be painfully difficult for parents without surviving children, or for parents whose family now feels incomplete. Being with others may be hard; being alone may be hard too. Be gentle and honest with yourself about what you need.</li><li>Create a meaningful ritual. Some find comfort in lighting a candle, attending a remembrance service, visiting a special place, or placing a decoration or card in honour of their child.</li><li>Consider a change of scene. For some, being away from home helps; for others, it can feel more isolating. Think about what support you may need before making this decision.</li><li>Remember that New Year’s can also be emotionally charged. Even for those not grieving, the transition can be poignant. For some bereaved parents, the start of a new year may feel like moving further away from their child. Consider planning December 31st in a way that feels safe—whether that means being alone or with close, understanding friends. And please know: you will not forget your child. Their memory remains part of you always.</li></ul>

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Facing Christmas After the Loss of a Child or Young Person

Breffni Mc Guinness, Bereavement Coordinator, LauraLynn, Ireland’s Children’s Hospice.The death of a child is one of the most difficult deaths that anyone may have to face. If it is one of our colleagues who has experienced this tragedy we can sometimes be at a loss to know how to support them.While there is no easy quick fix for grief, especially when it is a child who has died, there are things that we can do as managers and colleagues and that can make a difference to the person who is grieving.<h3>Bereavement First Aid</h3>There are three practical steps that we call Bereavement First Aid which can really help.  These are: Acknowledge, Validate and Support or AVS.<h4>Acknowledge</h4>It is important to acknowledge what has happened and to mention the child’s name  E.g. “Mary, I am so sorry to hear about James”, <h4>Validate</h4>Validate the experience and feelings of the person who is grieving.  A colleague who is bereaved may say that they are sad, devastated, angry, broken, in bits etc. it is important to validate these feelings by saying something like:E.g.  “It is totally understandable you are feeling like that given what has happened”<h4>Support</h4>Offer support to your colleague who is grieving.  It is really helpful to check with the person about what might be most helpful for them.E.g. “I would really like to support you, what would be most helpful for you now?”Along with bereavement first aid, there are also some other things that can be helpful and some that are not so helpful.<h3>What is helpful:</h3>Reach out, be yourself and don’t worry about being perfect. We may feel a bit uncomfortable reaching out to a colleague who is bereaved – this is normal – but it is important not to let this stop us.  The most important thing is to take the risk to engage with your colleague. Listen. Very often it’s hard to know what you can do for a colleague who is grieving, but one thing that really makes a difference is making time to listen to them. Just offer to chat if the person wants to - if they don’t no problem – at least they know that you care enough to check with them. If they do want to chat – just listen – and then listen a bit more.Your support will be required not just in the initial weeks and months but over a longer period. It takes a minimum of three years for someone to come to terms with the major aspects of the death of their child. For your colleague who is grieving, they will need your support during this time and beyond. <h3>What isn’t helpful: </h3>Avoiding your bereaved colleague and acting as if nothing has happened – something has happened, and it is better to be open about this. Minimising their loss – phrases such as ‘at least you have two more children’ or ‘you can have another child’ (yes – these things have been said) do not help the person who is grieving. If you are not sure what to say – say nothing.Making a fuss – most people who are bereaved want to be treated as normally as possible at work and do not want to stand out. Be sensitive and respect their wishes. Expecting the person to be back to normal – people never go ‘back to normal’ because normal included their child who has died. In time they adapt to a ‘new normal’.<h3>For Managers</h3>If you are a manager, you have an important role to play in helping a person who is grieving the death of their child.  Communication is really important – contact the employee and ask how you can be a support to them – especially in relation to your organisation’s bereavement policy, flexibility in work arrangements, their entitlements, etc.   It is important to strike a balance between allowing the colleague who is bereaved to continue to contribute (their work may be very important to them) while also not putting them under undue pressure.<h3>Final Note</h3>The death of a child is one of the hardest losses that an employee may have to face.  As a manager or a colleague, you can make a real difference to your bereaved colleague by reaching out with compassion and a listening ear. The three steps of Bereavement First Aid – Acknowledging, Validating and Supporting provide a simple roadmap for how you can do this. Above all, be brave, reach out and listen to your bereaved colleague rather than avoid them.  Care and compassion will go a long way. <h3>Here is a free resource from LauraLynn:</h3>For those supporting a family with a child with a life-limiting illness:  <a href="https://www.lauralynn.ie/sites/default/files/scorm-courses/lauralynn_bereavement-support-staff/launch.html">Learn how grief can affect families and how to communicate effectively with them</a>

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How to Support a Bereaved Parent at Work

Breffni Mc Guinness, Bereavement Coordinator, LauraLynn, Ireland’s Children’s Hospice.The death of a child is one of the most difficult deaths that anyone may have to face. We often don’t know what to say or do when someone we know has experienced this loss. And yet, it is very important to reach out and engage with the parent even though we might feel uncomfortable.Sometimes we might wonder about what is the ‘right thing to say’?  We don’t want to offend someone who is already suffering deep pain, and we don’t want to make matters worse.  So, what can we do?<h3>Reach out</h3>One thing that is helpful to remember is that for the parent whose child has died the worst thing has already happened.  Rather than focussing on the right words – it is more important to trust yourself and to reach out in compassion. <h3>Be aware of your own discomfort</h3>Sometimes when we are talking to people who are bereaved, we feel uncomfortable. It is good to be aware of this and at the same not let this get in the way of supporting the person.  What people who are bereaved really want is to be met with your humanity and care. It does matter when we express our condolences – no matter how clunky or uncomfortable we might feel while doing so. It makes a big difference to the person who is bereaved.  Believe it or not, when you are grieving it can be more painful when people avoid you because they don’t know what to say or because they feel uncomfortable.<h3>Keep it simple</h3>Don’t worry about finding the perfect words – trust yourself and your gut. Use the child’s name wherever possible.   If you are struggling to find a way to start you can use something like:“I am so sorry to hear about John” or“I can’t imagine how difficult this is for you” “I am so sorry about John – he was a lovely boy”<h3>Don’t worry about awkward pauses or gaps</h3>These may occur – remember the priority here is the welfare of the person who is bereaved.  Don’t feel you have to fill the silence or the gaps.  The person may be lost in their thoughts and emotions. Sometimes there aren’t words to describe what they are experiencing. I can guarantee you that they will still appreciate that you made the effort to reach out to them even if it is a bit awkward.    <h3>Let the bereaved parent be your guide</h3>Take your cue from the person who is bereaved – let them be your guide to their grief.  Reach out, offer condolences.  If they do not wish to talk to you or if they don’t engage – don’t be offended – they are in unimaginable pain at this moment.  They will still appreciate that you made the effort to connect with them even if they might not be in the space right now to receive that.  On the other hand, if the person wants to talk – let them – and all you have to do is listen.  Be aware that someone will generally only talk to someone else if they feel comfortable to do so.  Take that as a compliment and allow the person who is bereaved to talk as much as they wish.  Listen, listen, then listen a bit more. <h3>Don’t minimise the loss</h3>It is really important not to minimise a person’s loss – especially in relation to a child who has died.  Phrases like “you can always have another child” or “at least you still have one child” are, not helpful.  This is not a time to try to cheer someone up – no matter how well intentioned.  It is a time to meet our fellow human being in the midst of their suffering and to walk alongside them for a little bit. <h3>If in doubt</h3>Finally, if you are really struggling and don’t know what to say or how to say it – say nothing.  Silence is better than saying something that might be unhelpful or painful for the grieving parent to hear.Final NoteThe death of a child is one of the hardest losses that anyone may have to face.  It can be hard to know what to say to a parent in this situation. And yet, our care and support are needed by families at this most difficult time.  It does make a difference to the person who is bereaved to hear from friends, family and colleagues and to experience their support. By being aware of our own discomfort, keeping things simple, not being upset by silences, reaching out to the parent and letting them guide us to their grief, we can make a difficult situation a little less painful. <h3>Here is a free resource from LauraLynn:</h3>For those supporting a family with a child with a life-limiting illness:  <a href="https://www.lauralynn.ie/sites/default/files/scorm-courses/lauralynn_bereavement-support-staff/launch.html">Learn how grief can affect families and how to communicate effectively with them</a>

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What to Say (and Not Say) to a Grieving Parent

By Aidan McKiernan, Principal Specialist Clinical Psychologist, LauraLynn, Ireland’s Children’s Hospice.If you are an extended family member, friend, or part of the community, it is normal to feel a mix of sadness, helplessness, and even fear when a child dies (fear because a child dying can make us feel like the world is an unsafe place). A child dying may also trigger your own experience of loss. Approaching these moments with self-compassion and self-awareness can help you to be more present and helpful.Grief following the death of a child is unlike other losses: it is untimely and unjust. Your role is not to fix the grief, but to walk alongside it—respecting that the family’s needs will change over time. Follow their lead. If they wish to talk about their child, listen kindly and patiently. If they do not, respect their boundaries without judgment. Their right to speak or remain silent must always be honoured.One of the most valuable things you can do is simply let them know that you are thinking of them, and perhaps that you are available if they wish to talk or need support. A short message—“I’m thinking of you”—can be far more meaningful (and helpful) than searching for the “right” words. Avoid statements that reframe the death as something positive or that suggest you understand their experience (even if you have also lost a child) and be cautious with religious framing unless you are certain it aligns with the family’s beliefs.Practical gestures are often more helpful than talking. Certainly, in the early weeks and months, dropping off meals, refreshments, or groceries will ease some immediate burdens. Offering help with certain household chores, caring for pets, or providing transport for siblings shows tangible care without requiring the family to host or entertain you.Be mindful not to create situations where the family feels they must comfort you because you are deeply upset. Your grief for the child may be significant, but this is a time to prioritise their emotional space. Seek your own support elsewhere so you can remain steady and compassionate.Over time, remembrance can be meaningful. Marking anniversaries—such as the child’s birthday or the date of their death—with a short message like, “You and [child’s name] are in my thoughts today,” affirms that they are remembered without placing demands on the family.Supporting a grieving family is not about perfect words but about consistent, compassionate presence. Follow their lead, respect boundaries, avoid platitudes, and show care through words and actions. Your patient reliability will be a great comfort as they navigate a loss that will forever shape their lives.

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Supporting a Family After the Loss of a Child

By Aidan McKiernan, Principal Specialist Clinical Psychologist, LauraLynn, Ireland’s Children’s HospiceThe death of a child is one of the most profoundly painful losses a family can endure. The initial grief can feel overwhelming because, in addition to the extremely painful physical separation from the child or young person, the roles, routines and relationships in the family are suddenly upended. And yet, somehow, families carry within themselves inner resources that enable them to reorient their lives – not to “move on” or “get over” - but to adjust to a changed rhythm.With support and the passage of time (realistically in the case of the death of a child or young person, the timeline is some years), families do return to a level of functioning and well-being that is similar to life before the child’s death, even though the absence is always felt. For some families, the loss can become a point of transformation, a painful, unbidden learning occurs that helps them to develop a deeper understanding of what matters most in life (an understanding that the rest of us can spend much of our lives oblivious to). A re-evaluation of priorities can follow, and a renewed appreciation for the relationships that are important and sustaining. Through these processes, families can discover strengths they did not know they possessed.Because self-compassion soothes emotional pain and helps to regulate strong emotion, families benefit from intentionally practicing kindness towards themselves. In the first place, this means allowing oneself to grieve at one’s own pace and in one’s own way. The business of compassion may also involve the family finding a way to extend compassion towards others (by practising patience when others interact with them in a clumsy way, for example), because this patience is protective of the relationships that the family lean into.Making space for grief is important also, as compared with continuously suppressing or avoiding: one or two breaths, acknowledging the physical sensations and feelings that are present, and returning to whatever is most relevant to the situation right now (boiling the kettle, showering, making a meal). Crucially, just as we benefit from acknowledging loss, so is it true that space away from the raw intensity of grief is important and necessary. Finding this balance is a life-long process.Even when a child dies – even when a loss so major is experienced - connection, purpose, and joy are possible. It is reasonable and realistic to be hopeful that these things will be felt again, someday. But compassion comes first.

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Resilience of Families in the Face of the Loss of a Child

Breffni Mc Guinness, Bereavement Coordinator, LauraLynn, Ireland’s Children’s Hospice.If you are a parent who is reading this article and you have recently lost your child, my sincere sympathies to you and your family at this time.  This is an unimaginably difficult time for you and those close to you. No one can know the pain of loss that you are experiencing, and each person has to find their own way through their grief.  However, there are parents who have travelled this road before you and who are living proof that you can, and will, come through this.  It will though, take time and it is really important to be kind and patient with yourself as best you can. We know from grief theories that remembering is really important.  When we think of it – the word remember is made up of two parts “re” and “member”. Remembering your child is about making them a member again of your family in a new way.  They are no longer physically present, but they are still very much part of your family. By consciously making an effort to remember them, you will weave them into the fabric of your family life in a new way.  This will also be an important part of helping you cope with your grief.What follows are some suggestions that, with time, may be of help to you on your unique journey of grief. Some may sit well with you, and others not, – please just choose whatever is helpful for you.What are some of the ways and rituals that might be helpful in remembering your child?<h3>Pictures in a prominent place in the house</h3>Some people find that having a particular picture of their child displayed in a prominent place in the house – provides a way for everyone to connect in an informal and easy way with the child who has died.<h3>Remembering birthdays and significant dates</h3>Creating new traditions within your family to remember the birthday of your child who has died is a lovely way of keeping their memory part of the ongoing narrative of your family.  These can include:<ul style="list-style-type:disc"><li>Lighting a candle at a mealtime on the day</li><li>Going to a special place that was significant for you or your child e.g. the sea, or a favourite park</li><li>Doing something together as a family on that day – e.g. going for a meal, a walk etc in memory of your child</li><li>Visiting their grave </li><li>Listening to music that reminds you of your child or that they liked</li></ul><h3>More regular rituals</h3>Some people find comfort in rituals that they do regularly as ways of connecting with their child. This will be as individual as your child was, and as you are. These can include:<ul style="list-style-type:disc"><li>Saying hello to your child when you wake up or start your day</li><li>Visiting places that are significant for you and remind you of your child.</li><li>For those with religious beliefs – praying to their child can also be comforting.</li></ul><h3>Creating a more permanent reminder in your home or garden</h3>These can include:<ul style="list-style-type:disc"><li>A new tree or bush that is planted in their memory</li><li>Creating a special seat in the house or the garden</li><li>Creating a new feature in your home which is in memory of your child e.g. a pond.</li></ul>In all of these suggestions the key thing to keep an eye on is what works for you and your family.  Take your time in looking at what ways you might choose.  Talk to other members of your family about how they would like to remember your child. Allow that this will be bittersweet – remembering can be healing but it can also be painful.  Be conscious of where you and others are at in your grief journeys, and that what might work for you may not work for someone else.<h3>Final Thought</h3>Coping with the death of your child is one of the hardest things that anyone may have to do.  Creating ways to remember your child can help you and others to begin healing. Starting new rituals to remember your child, whether on dates that are significant, or something that you do more regularly can help you to adjust and cope with your grief. This is a long journey and there will be ups and downs.  Though it may not seem like it now, you will come through this.  Finding ways to remember your child is an important part of finding your way.<h3>Here is a free resource from LauraLynn to support you or someone you care about: </h3>For parents and families: <a href="https://eur02.safelinks.protection.outlook.com/?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.lauralynn.ie%2Ffamily-bereavement-course&amp;data=05%7C02%7Csbutton%40lauralynn.ie%7C32d906f9562d4d74f94c08dde6e8e7a2%7C815437effc62426f8564fe532f812685%7C0%7C0%7C638920610192422802%7CUnknown%7CTWFpbGZsb3d8eyJFbXB0eU1hcGkiOnRydWUsIlYiOiIwLjAuMDAwMCIsIlAiOiJXaW4zMiIsIkFOIjoiTWFpbCIsIldUIjoyfQ%3D%3D%7C0%7C%7C%7C&amp;sdata=NGVJXGLHcIfmLldxqPwhlu980d07Ett5m4sZB2xW99g%3D&amp;reserved=0">www.lauralynn.ie/family-bereavement-course</a>

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Honouring your Child’s Memory: Finding Ways to Remember

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Topic: Child Loss