<p><i>Exploring how music expresses grief, love, and memory when words fall short.</i></p><p>When we stand in a queue waiting to sympathise with those who mourn, we never really know what to say. <i>“Sorry for your loss.”</i> Those words, while genuine, never quite feel like enough. A silent handshake or a hug often says more. Words, for the most part, fail.<br />So why does music work?</p><h2><strong>Music Enhances Our Emotions</strong></h2><p>“<a href="https://magazine.hms.harvard.edu/articles/how-music-resonates-brain">Music lights up the brain</a>, including the hippocampus and amygdala, which activate emotional responses to music.” </p><p>Music amplifies every emotion we feel. Play lively music when you’re happy, and it energises you. Play heavy metal when you’re angry, and it can intensify that anger. Slow music when you’re sad can deepen the melancholy.</p><p>But <a href="https://rip.ie/grief-and-bereavement-support/8-irish-songs-that-bring-comfort-after-loss-308">music can also help us cope</a>. Feeling angry? Put on Metallica at the gym and channel that energy into a great workout. Feeling sad? Listen to a song that mirrors your emotions, and it can soothe you. The right music for the right moment can help us process and overcome what we’re feeling.</p><h2><strong>The Power of Music</strong></h2><p>To quote my late guitar teacher:<br /><i>“Music knows no boundaries and passes through all frontiers.”</i></p><p><a href="https://rip.ie/grief-and-bereavement-support/more-than-a-voice-the-compassionate-work-of-a-funeral-singer-205">In my years of singing</a>, I’ve seen countless examples of music’s impact. One that stays with me is from a nursing home performance. Among the residents was an elderly lady with advanced dementia, confined to a special chair with little movement.</p><p>As we sang her favourite song, she suddenly raised her hand in the air, like holding a lighter at a concert, waving gently to the music. In a mind that seemed lost to this world, the song found a channel to a memory and lit it up. The nursing staff were amazed, and so were we. That moment showed the true power of music.</p><h2><strong>Memories</strong></h2><p><a href="https://rip.ie/grief-and-bereavement-support/how-to-create-a-playlist-for-an-irish-funeral-or-wake-classics-and-modern-choices-312">Songs</a> carry moments and memories that can lift our hearts and break them at the same time.</p><p>For example, if I sing at the funeral of a man who loved Tipperary hurling and I’m asked to perform <i>Slievenamon</i> as he is taken from the church or laid to rest, I will invariably see a mix of tears and smiles. That song brings back happy times for those mourning. Hearing it one last time as they say goodbye becomes a family’s way of honouring the man they loved and the memories he gave them.</p><h2><strong>You’ve Got a Friend</strong></h2><p>I read a beautiful description recently:<br /><i>“Music is an understanding friend.”</i></p><p>And it is. Music is always there when we need it. It can keep us strong, make us cry, and comfort us.</p><p>I love singing all sorts of songs, especially those that trigger memories of family and friends I’ve lost. Over the years, I’ve found comfort in many songs, but for me personally, Christian hymns and church music also give me hope.</p><p>I don’t need a punch bag or a stiff drink to relieve heartache, tension, or stress—I just need my faith and my music.</p><figure class="media"><div data-oembed-url="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gesmcksn1t4"><div style="position:relative;padding-bottom:100%;height:0;padding-bottom:56.2493%"><iframe src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/Gesmcksn1t4" style="position:absolute;width:100%;height:100%;top:0;left:0" frameborder="0" allow="autoplay; encrypted-media" allowfullscreen></iframe></div></div></figure>

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When Words Fail, Music Speaks: How Songs Help Us Say Goodbye

<p><i>In this deeply personal piece, </i><a href="https://darranbourke.com/"><i>Darran Bourke</i></a><i> — a Tipperary-based funeral singer — reflects on the emotional and spiritual role music plays in helping families navigate grief. Drawing from his own experiences and faith, Darran shares how singing at funerals is far more than a performance; it’s an act of compassion, connection, and care.</i></p><h3>The Practical and the Personal</h3><p>Some people, I feel, look at what I do as being very practical: I turn up, I sing the hymns, I pack up, and I leave. And they’re not entirely wrong. But I would argue there’s also a very spiritual and compassionate side to it. If I only looked at a funeral from a practical standpoint, I wouldn’t be very good at my job. If I can’t put any feeling into what I’m singing, then who in their right mind would hire me?</p><h3>Understanding Grief, One Family at a Time</h3><p>There are a lot of elements to a funeral from a singer’s perspective, a lot of things we need to know, like the <a href="https://rip.ie/grief-and-bereavement-support/funeral-mass-and-service-readings-formats-and-resources-292">funeral mass and the running order</a> of the service, and so on. To put a personal stamp on each funeral, it’s also essential to know something about the person who has passed, to get to know them a little, and to understand their family.</p><h3>No Two Losses Are the Same</h3><p>You see, everybody is different. Everybody’s grief is different, and grief varies in so many ways; it all depends on the circumstances of a loved one’s passing. For example, sudden death, a tragic ending, a long illness, or an elderly person who’s lived a full life, all of these hurt differently. And then each individual suffers differently. If a man dies leaving behind a wife and children, it’s an entirely different loss for his wife than it is for his children. The only thing that unites them all is that, no matter the age or the circumstance of death, the loss is always big.</p><h3>Bringing Empathy to the Conversation</h3><p>And I think everybody should know that. Everyone should know and understand what a person is most likely to be going through in times of loss. Most of us have been there. For me, as a funeral singer who has also experienced many personal losses, both among friends and family, it has definitely helped me become more understanding and empathetic towards the families I meet during their time of loss. Because I’ve experienced my own loss, I have a sense of theirs.</p><p>It’s given me the understanding that I must make the conversation I’m about to have with a family as stress-free and as gentle as I possibly can. I try to give them the basic information, like the format of the mass and where hymns and songs can be placed, and to find out all I can about the person, which might help me suggest hymns and songs to the family.</p><h3>Listening and Responding in the Moment</h3><p>There are often times when a family is happy to just trust my judgement when it comes to choosing the hymns and songs. Because of this, I always listen to the words of the priest and his perspective, and I listen to the <a href="https://rip.ie/grief-and-bereavement-support/how-to-write-a-eulogy-a-guide-to-creating-a-meaningful-tribute-290">eulogy,</a> as it might often lead me to change direction when it comes to choosing hymns or coming up with appropriate song ideas. </p><p>Then, on the day of the funeral, it’s just about being there in the moment, giving everything of myself to that soul and to the <a href="https://rip.ie/grief-and-bereavement-support/poems-and-verses-for-remembering-loved-ones-ripie-291">family who mourn</a>.</p><h3>Faith, Compassion, and the Power of Song</h3><p>I have a deep faith in my Christian beliefs, so for me personally, when it comes to singing at a funeral, I’m singing to praise God and to pray for the soul who lies before Him in song, so that they may enter His Heavenly Kingdom. I’m also singing in prayer to give comfort and strength to the family who mourns.</p><p>I have also sung at a handful of secular funerals—though I don’t get that many—but while the format is different, the empathy and the compassion are the very same. Because again, while I can’t possibly comprehend an individual’s grief, I can understand what they’re going through.</p><h3>A Lasting Gift</h3><p>I think it was Saint Augustine who said, “He who sings, prays twice.”<br />I believe that it’s one of the most important jobs a singer will ever have the honour of doing: singing for a soul and giving a family some level of solace in their time of need. And while there is a practical end to singing for a funeral, the emotional and spiritual end live on in the hearts of those in mourning.</p><figure class="media"><div data-oembed-url="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDGhl-MKtzY"><div style="position:relative;padding-bottom:100%;height:0;padding-bottom:56.2493%"><iframe src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/KDGhl-MKtzY" style="position:absolute;width:100%;height:100%;top:0;left:0" frameborder="0" allow="autoplay; encrypted-media" allowfullscreen></iframe></div></div></figure>

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More Than a Voice: The Compassionate Work of a Funeral Singer

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When Words Fail, Music Speaks: How Songs Help Us Say Goodbye

More Than a Voice: The Compassionate Work of a Funeral Singer

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