Grieving the Milestones: Coping with the First Day of School After Baby Loss

For many parents, the first day of school, birthdays, or other milestones are filled with excitement and pride. Social media lights up with photos of smiling children in new uniforms and schoolbags, accompanied by captions full of hope for the future.

But if your baby is not here, these moments can feel like a sharp reminder of what you’re missing. Instead of joy, you may feel your grief rising to the surface again — even years after your loss. If your little one should be starting school, moving up a class, or hitting another milestone, it’s natural to feel the ache more intensely right now.

You are not alone in this. It’s important to know that it’s okay to feel the loss, no matter how long ago your baby died.

Grief Doesn’t Follow a Timetable

Grief doesn’t expire when the calendar moves on. Seeing other children reach milestones your child never had the chance to can reopen old wounds. Let yourself feel what you feel — whether it’s sadness, anger, envy, or longing. There’s no “wrong” way to grieve.

If social media feels overwhelming, it’s okay to step back. Unfollow, mute, or take a break from scrolling. Your wellbeing matters more than keeping up with everyone’s updates. Similarly, if community events feel too painful, give yourself permission to decline invitations or create distance.

Creating Your Own Rituals

Marking the milestone in your own way can bring comfort. Some parents:

• Light a candle
• Write a letter to their child about the “first day” they never got
• Donate school supplies in their memory
• Visit a special place that reminds them of their baby

Rituals help transform pain into remembrance and connection.

Sharing Your Story

Sharing your child’s name and story keeps their memory alive. If you feel able, let a trusted friend or family member know that this time of year is particularly difficult. Sometimes simply saying,

“My baby should be starting school this week” 

gives weight to the grief and invites compassion.

Speak to people who understand. Whether it’s a close friend, a partner, or a community of bereaved parents, having people who “get it” can make all the difference. You don’t have to explain or justify yourself to them — they already understand.

Be Gentle With Yourself

Grief is exhausting. You may need extra rest, quiet, or self-care during these milestones. Small acts like taking a walk, writing in a journal, or treating yourself to something comforting can help.

The ache you feel isn't a weakness — it’s love with nowhere to go. Every milestone is a reminder of the dreams you held for your child. Honouring that love is a way of honouring them.

You Are Not Alone

If you’re facing the “first day of school that never came,” please know that your grief is valid, your child is remembered, and your pain is seen. It’s okay to step back, to cry, to remember, and to find new ways of carrying your baby with you.