<h3>The Silent Grief of Fathers</h3><p>When a baby dies, the world often looks to the mother. People ask how she is, how she’s coping, what she needs. And while her grief is immense and deserves every bit of care, it can sometimes leave dads standing quietly in the background—hurting, but unseen.</p><p>If you’re a dad who has lost a baby, please know this: your grief matters too.</p><h3>Your Loss Is Real and Heavy</h3><p>You had all the hopes and dreams. You imagined what life would be like with your child. That loss is real, and it is heavy.</p><p>Many dads feel pressure to “be strong”—to hold everything together, to take care of their partner, to sort out the practical things no one else can face. But strength doesn’t mean pushing down your pain. You are allowed to grieve in your own way.</p><h3>There’s No Right Way to Grieve</h3><p>Some dads cry. Some need to talk. Others find comfort in keeping busy or channeling their energy into something meaningful. All of this is okay. Whatever way you manage your loss—whatever works for you—is exactly how you are meant to be. There is no right or wrong way to process grief.</p><h3>Grieving Differently Doesn’t Mean Grieving Less</h3><p>We often say grief is like a rollercoaster. You may be on the same ride, but you and your partner are in different carriages. This is perfectly okay. It’s important to know that everyone grieves differently. One person may find it difficult to get out of bed, while the other goes to work and carries on as normal. This doesn’t mean they care less or feel the loss any less deeply.</p><h3>Feeling Invisible or Guilty Is Common</h3><p>You might feel invisible at times, or even guilty for the way you’re coping. Maybe people don’t ask how you are. Maybe you don’t know how to put your feelings into words. That doesn’t make your grief any less real.</p><h3>You Don’t Have to Go Through This Alone</h3><p>There is no right way to do this. You don’t have to hide, and you don’t have to go through it alone. If you can, talk to someone you trust—a friend, a family member, or another dad who has experienced loss. Sharing even a little of what you’re carrying can lift some of the weight.</p><p>There are support groups specifically for dads, and you may feel more comfortable in that space.</p><h3>Honouring Your Baby and Your Healing</h3><p>Most of all, remember this: being a grieving dad doesn’t mean being silent or strong all the time.</p><p>It means loving your baby in the only way you can now—by carrying their memory with you, by allowing yourself to feel, and by honouring your own healing too.</p><h3>You Are Not Alone</h3><p>Your grief is valid.</p><p>Your baby will always matter.</p>

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When a Baby Dies: Supporting Grieving Dads Through Loss

<p><i>Losing a spouse or civil partner is one of life’s most painful experiences. </i></p><p>Amid the grief, it can be overwhelming to face legal and financial questions — especially when a <a href="https://rip.ie/legal-and-financial-advice/what-should-you-consider-when-making-a-will-257">will</a> has not been made. Understanding what happens next can bring some clarity and help families take the first practical steps with confidence.</p><h3>When There’s No Will</h3><p>If someone dies without <a href="https://rip.ie/legal-and-financial-advice/what-happens-if-you-dont-make-a-will-258">making a will,</a> they are said to have died intestate. In these cases, Irish law determines how their estate — including property, money, and possessions — will be distributed.</p><p>Many people assume that when their spouse dies, everything automatically passes to them. In reality, intestacy law (intestate means dying without a <a href="https://rip.ie/legal-and-financial-advice/why-make-a-will-254">will</a>) follows strict rules. Understanding them early on can prevent confusion or conflict later. For a surviving spouse or civil partner, this provides a level of protection and certainty.</p><p>Under the Succession Act 1965, if the deceased leaves children, the surviving spouse or civil partner is entitled to two-thirds of the estate, with the remaining one-third divided equally among the children. If there are no children, the surviving spouse or civil partner inherits the entire estate.</p><p>While these rules provide a clear framework, they don’t always reflect the nuances of individual family circumstances. Joint assets, property ownership, pensions, or blended family situations can make matters more complex and may require tailored legal advice.</p><h3>The Steps Involved</h3><p>When there is no will, someone must take responsibility for managing the estate. This person — usually the surviving spouse or civil partner — applies to the Probate Office (or local District Probate Registry) for Letters of Administration. The process involves gathering details of the deceased’s assets and debts, identifying next of kin, preparing a Schedule of Assets and Liabilities for the Revenue Commissioners and the Probate Office, and other documents before submitting them to the Probate Office. An interview may be required for personal applicants. Processing typically takes 3–6 months and costs include Probate Office fees.</p><p>Solicitors' fees apply if professional help is used. Common challenges include completing forms correctly, confirming entitlements under intestacy law, and securing the bond. Straightforward estates can be handled personally, but complex or disputed cases are best managed by a probate solicitor.</p><p>Letters of Administration authorise them to gather the deceased’s assets, pay any outstanding debts, and distribute what remains according to the law. The process can take time and may feel daunting, particularly during a period of mourning. A solicitor can help ensure that all documentation is correctly completed and that the estate is administered smoothly and respectfully.</p><p>Essential documents typically include the death certificate, marriage or civil partnership certificate, and details of all known assets and liabilities.</p><h3>Support During a Difficult Time</h3><p>Navigating grief while managing legal affairs is never easy. Professional legal guidance can ease some of the practical burdens, while emotional support from counselling services or community organisations can help with the human side of loss.</p><p>Services such as Citizens Information and the Irish Hospice Foundation provide practical advice and bereavement supports to those dealing with loss and estate matters.</p><h3>A Compassionate Approach</h3><p>Every family’s situation is unique. While Irish law provides a clear structure for what happens when someone dies without a will, compassionate and practical advice ensures that your loved one’s estate is managed with dignity and care.</p><p>If your spouse or civil partner has recently passed away without a will, speaking with a probate solicitor can help you move forward with confidence and understanding.</p><p><strong>Disclaimer:</strong><br />Please note that this article is for general information purposes only and does not purport to be legal advice. While every care has been taken in its production, no legal responsibility or liability is accepted warranted or implied by the author, publishers or the Law Society of Ireland in respect of any errors, omissions or misstatement. Readers are advised to seek independent professional legal advice before acting on anything in this article.</p>

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Your Spouse or Civil Partner Has Died Without a Will – What Happens Next?

<p>It is absolutely natural for parents and caregivers to feel concerned in the months following a death, especially regarding children’s reactions. Parents often wonder what is “normal” and what signs they should look for as they try to protect and <a href="https://rip.ie/grief-and-bereavement-support/helping-a-child-cope-with-sudden-death-guidance-for-parents-and-carers-297">help their children cope</a> with such a life-changing event.</p><h3>Understanding How Children Grieve</h3><p>Remember that everyone, including <a href="https://rip.ie/grief-and-bereavement-support/how-children-understand-death-age-appropriate-support-for-grieving-233">children, grieves</a> in their own individual way. There is no blueprint for grief. Children often move in and out of grief: at times they may seem light-hearted and enjoying life, then suddenly feel overwhelmed with sadness.</p><p>Providing children with structure and routine is essential. This sense of normality helps counterbalance the upheaval caused by the death. Returning to regular bedtimes and mealtimes can ease anxiety, a very common emotion in bereaved children. Anxiety may focus on their own health but more often centers on their parents, especially if one parent has died. It makes sense: if one parent is gone, fear about losing the remaining parent can follow.</p><p><a href="https://rip.ie/grief-and-bereavement-support/how-to-talk-to-a-child-about-an-impending-death-expert-advice-234">Children need extra reassurance </a>about what will stay the same as well as what has changed. Bedtime is often when they seek the comfort of a parent’s presence. School also provides stability, so close communication with teachers can be very helpful.</p><h3>Behavioral Changes After a Death</h3><p>Consider the huge upheaval a significant death causes for a child. In the immediate aftermath and in the months that follow, some regression to more babyish behavior may occur. A child may need extra reassurance and closeness. Adults change after a death, and while children grieve differently than adults, they do grieve, so their behavior will also change for a time.</p><h3>Signs That May Require Follow-Up</h3><p>While most changes are temporary, some behaviors, if persistent several months after the death, may need professional support:</p><ul><li>A child who, four or five months later, has completely withdrawn from their peer group.</li><li>A complete change in behavior, becoming aggressive or confrontational.</li><li>Significant changes in eating habits or major sleep difficulties.</li><li>An inability to mention or tolerate any conversation about the person who died.</li><li>Disabling anxiety about their own health or someone close to them.</li><li>School refusal.</li></ul><p>These behaviors occur in only a small percentage of children. With skilled intervention, they can cope. The vast majority of children miss the person who died, but with understanding, affection, support, and clear explanations, they will survive this life-changing event and grow into well-functioning adults.</p>

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Concerns for Children After a Death: What Parents Should Know

<p>A sudden death brings an added layer of distress and emotion. Adults often feel confused, shocked, and unprepared, struggling to accept what has happened. Children, too, are caught off guard—and the dependable adults they rely on may suddenly seem unable to cope in the way they expect.</p><h3>Supporting Children When Parents Are Overwhelmed</h3><p>It’s completely understandable that parents may be struggling in the aftermath of a sudden death. However, children need routine and structure to help them make sense of the situation. A trusted family member, someone familiar and liked by the children, can step in to care for them and offer explanations (in consultation with the parents). Keeping children within the family circle and ensuring they feel seen and supported is essential, especially if parents are temporarily unavailable.</p><h3>Explaining the Cause of Death Clearly</h3><p>If the cause of death is clear, such as a road traffic accident, there’s no mystery. But if the cause is unknown, like a sudden medical issue, it’s important to explain that a post mortem (a medical examination) will be carried out to determine what happened. Let children know that the results may take time, and reassure them that they will be told what is discovered. It’s vital to keep this promise.</p><h3>Helping Children Make Sense of Adult Conversations</h3><p>In the wake of a sudden death, people often gather, talk, and speculate about what happened. Children may overhear these conversations and misunderstand what they hear. The designated adult should check in with the children, ask what they’ve heard, and gently clarify any confusion.</p><h3>Including Children in Funeral Rites</h3><p>Because the death was unexpected, there may have been no opportunity to prepare children for<a href="https://rip.ie/grief-and-bereavement-support/explaining-cremation-to-children-a-gentle-guide-for-parents-and-guardians-232"> funeral rites</a> or discuss how they’d like to be involved. The caring adult plays a key role here, helping children understand what’s happening and supporting their choices about participation.</p><h3>When a Child Wants to See the Deceased</h3><p>If a child expresses a wish to see the person who has died, and is properly prepared and supported, this can be helpful for their long-term adjustment. When the last memory of the deceased is of someone healthy and well, seeing the body can help the child begin to accept the reality of the loss.</p><h3>In summary:</h3><p>The most effective way to support a child after a sudden bereavement is for a trusted adult to offer clear information, gentle guidance, and consistent structure, while staying in close communication with the parents. Aim to provide a calm environment for part of the day. Avoid removing the child entirely from familiar surroundings, though a short break in a quieter setting can be helpful. Listen closely, and make sure they’re not overwhelmed by adult conversations they don’t understand.</p><p><strong>Next Read:</strong> <a href="https://rip.ie/grief-and-bereavement-support/how-children-understand-death-age-appropriate-support-for-grieving-233">How Children Understand Death: Age-Appropriate Support for Grieving</a></p>

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Helping a Child Cope with Sudden Death: Guidance for Parents and Carers

<p>If a family member dies and leaves behind some debts, you may feel a sense of moral obligation to discharge those debts. However, you need to proceed with caution and, in particular, consider the following:</p><ul><li>Who is responsible for paying the debts of the deceased person?</li><li>What is the correct process for settling those debts?</li><li>What are the risks of paying debts without following the proper procedure?</li></ul><h3>Debts Are Paid from the Estate, Not by Relatives</h3><p>Under Irish law, when a person dies, their debts do not automatically pass to their relatives. Instead, debts are paid from the assets of the deceased person’s estate. After a person dies, their estate (or assets) is administered by a personal representative.</p><p>The personal representative is the Executor named under the will, or the nearest next of kin if there is no will. The personal representative is responsible for gathering the assets, paying debts, and distributing the remainder to beneficiaries.</p><h3>Order of Priority</h3><p>There is a strict order in which debts must be paid from the estate:</p><ul><li>Funeral and testamentary expenses</li><li>Creditors with security (e.g., mortgage providers)</li><li>Preferential debts (mainly taxes and social insurance)</li><li>Ordinary unsecured debts (e.g., credit cards, personal loans)</li><li>Any remaining debts</li></ul><p>If the personal representative pays debts or distributes assets without following the correct order or before all debts are identified, they may become personally liable for any shortfall.</p><p>Importantly, family members are not required to pay the deceased’s debts from their own resources unless they were joint debtors or guarantors.</p><h3>Process for Settling Debts</h3><ul><li>Do Not Pay Debts Immediately: It is not advisable for a family member to pay off the deceased’s debts directly, especially from their own funds. The correct process is for the personal representative to gather all asset and liability details and then pay debts from the estate in the prescribed order.</li><li>Notify Creditors: The personal representative should notify all known creditors of the death. Creditors will usually pause collection until the estate is finalised.</li><li>Wait for Grant of Probate/Administration: No payments should be made until the personal representative has obtained a grant of probate (if there is a will) or letters of administration (if there is not).</li><li>Risks of Premature Payment: Paying debts out of order or before all debts are known can expose the payer (including the personal representative) to personal liability if other creditors later come forward and there are insufficient assets remaining.</li></ul><h3>Special Circumstances</h3><ul><li>If a family member is a joint debtor or has guaranteed a debt, they may be personally liable for that specific debt.</li><li>If the estate is insolvent (debts exceed assets), there are special rules, and the personal representative should proceed with caution.</li><li>There are statutory time limits for creditors to make claims against the estate (generally two years from the date of death or six years from when the debt became due, whichever is earlier).</li></ul><h3>Conclusion</h3><p>A family member should not pay off the deceased’s debts directly. The proper course is for the personal representative to administer the estate, pay debts in the correct order from estate assets, and only distribute any remaining assets to beneficiaries once all debts and expenses have been settled. Premature or incorrect payment can result in personal liability for the payer.</p><h3>Disclaimer</h3><p><i>Please note that this article is for general information purposes only and does not purport to be legal advice. While every care has been taken in its production, no legal responsibility or liability is accepted, warranted or implied by the author, publishers or the Law Society of Ireland in respect of any errors, omissions or misstatement. Readers are advised to seek independent professional legal advice.</i></p>

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Can You Pay a Deceased Family Member’s Debts? | Legal Advice in Ireland

<h3>Conversations About Grief</h3><p>Third Age is a national organisation that empowers older people to live full, active, and valued lives in their communities. Through programmes like SeniorLine, Third Age offers support, connection, and a listening ear to older people navigating life’s challenges—including grief. This article explores how we can better support those who are bereaved, especially older people, by understanding what helps and what doesn’t.</p><p>Death is both everyday and universal, and most of us, as we go through life, have some experience of loss. It is surprising, therefore, that some people who have suffered bereavement speak about the poor response they can encounter from friends, neighbours, and people in general. Why is this? Is there a good way to support those we care about after a death?</p><h3>Not Knowing What to Say</h3><p>Some people don’t know how to approach a bereaved person after a death. It can feel as if the survivor has somehow moved to an unreachable, distant place.</p><p>“I have seen people cross the road to avoid me. I know it’s because they don’t know what to say. But it is hurtful, as if I have changed,” says Marie, who was widowed in 2022.</p><p>There are many reasons why grief can cause uncomfortable feelings in others and lead them to avoid awkward encounters. It may be that such meetings trigger their own unresolved grief. People may believe they couldn’t handle another’s tears or distress, or they may feel they have to fix or solve the situation somehow—make it better.</p><h3>Keeping People Company</h3><p>At a fundamental level, there is often nothing to do about death. It has happened. It just is. In these situations, we can help by offering emotional support: listening, being present, and giving grief and loss the space they deserve.</p><p>The Third Age programme, SeniorLine, Ireland’s telephone service for older people, hears from callers who may still be grieving months or years after the death of someone close. The caller often needs to talk about the circumstances surrounding the death, the person who died, and life since.</p><p>SeniorLine volunteers know the value of listening and giving the caller time to talk.</p><p>“At my age, I have experienced death and I know how people need to talk. I offer empathy rather than sympathy as I try to put myself in their shoes. I ask about the person that died and encourage the caller to talk about him or her if that is what they want. People really appreciate that, as it does not seem always acceptable to continue talking about the person as time goes on. But there is no one right way to grieve, and everyone is different,” says Patsy Buckley, Dublin 16, a SeniorLine volunteer.</p><p>As a confidential support service, SeniorLine does not assume to know how a bereaved caller feels. Callers may be helpless, fearful, angry, guilty, sad, lonely, and much more. Our response to loss depends on our relationship with the person who has died, the manner of the death, our support system, personal capacity, and any previous losses.</p><h3>Less Is More</h3><p>Sometimes, the simplest words are best.</p><p>“I’m very sorry to hear your mother has died,” accompanied by a handshake or hug, lets the person know you are able to share their grief in that moment and stand with them quietly.</p><p>“Sorry for your trouble” is a traditional Irish expression to show sympathy and acknowledge someone’s loss. It can express a reaching out without needing a lengthy emotional exchange, allowing sympathy to be offered in a quiet but authentic way.</p><p>It is important to avoid clichés. Do not try to minimise their loss, offer false reassurance, or assume you know how they feel. Death is both completely familiar and completely mysterious. Responding to the mystery of death may affect us all in a profound way, and operating from that place may help us offer comfort and consolation in a sincere and effective way.</p><h3>About Third Age and SeniorLine</h3><p>Third Age is a network of programmes and projects for older people that supports their autonomy and celebrates their contribution in local communities.</p><p>SeniorLine is open daily from 10am to 10pm.<br /><strong>Freefone: </strong>1800 80 45 91<br /><a href="www.thirdageireland.ie">www.thirdageireland.ie</a></p><p> </p>

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Listening Matters: Helping Older People Navigate Loss

<h3><strong>When You Feel Numb Or Disconnected</strong></h3><p>Grief does not always arrive in waves of strong emotions. Sometimes instead of crying or shouting, you may feel very little at all. You might feel like you’re watching life happen at a distance, as though they are going through the motions on autopilot. Some might call it numbness; others might call it emptiness.</p><p>This is the nervous system’s way of protecting you. Just as it can launch into fight or flight when it senses danger or stress, it can also shut down into what’s called the ‘freeze’ response. When experiences become too overwhelming to process, the body can slow down, energy drops and emotions can switch off.</p><p>Numbness can be your body’s attempt to cope but when it lingers, it can bring confusion or even guilt. You may long to feel something, as though you ‘should’ be feeling more but it seems out of reach.</p><h3><strong>One Breath At A Time</strong></h3><p>The way back is not to force feeling, but to gently invite connection back, one small step at a time. Your breath can be a steady companion here. It is always present, always moving. By paying attention to it, you can notice what is already there, helping you bridge the gap between your body and mind.</p><h3><strong>A Grounding Breath, To Gently Reconnect With Yourself</strong></h3><p>This is not about changing your breath, you are simply noticing it, tuning into the steady rhythm of inhales and exhales. The shift may be subtle. Each inhale and exhale becomes a thread of connection allowing a little more presence and reassurance that you are still here.</p><figure class="media"><div data-oembed-url="https://youtu.be/yFJ36MSQbxY?si=04-JwtyzIAjIL9QE"><div style="position:relative;padding-bottom:100%;height:0;padding-bottom:56.2493%"><iframe src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/yFJ36MSQbxY" style="position:absolute;width:100%;height:100%;top:0;left:0" frameborder="0" allow="autoplay; encrypted-media" allowfullscreen></iframe></div></div></figure><h3><strong>Try This Gentle Breathing Technique</strong></h3><p>To practice this breathing technique, find a place where you feel as comfortable as possible, whether sitting or lying down. Close your eyes or simply soften your gaze. If it is comfortable for you, rest one hand on your chest and one hand on your belly. Feel the surface beneath you holding your weight, steady and supportive and allow your body to settle.</p><p><strong>1. Begin by bringing your attention to your breath. Don't change anything yet, just focus on how your breath is right now in this moment.</strong></p><ul><li>Is it high in your chest or low in your belly?</li><li>Is it quick or is it slow?</li><li>Is it gentle or is it heavy?</li><li>Notice how cool the air feels as you breathe in through your nose and slightly warmer as you breathe out.</li></ul><p><strong>2. Start to gently guide your breath into a smooth rhythm and silently say to yourself: ‘I am breathing in. I am breathing out.’</strong></p><ul><li>Inhale slowly through your nose and low into your belly.</li><li>Exhale slowly through your mouth or nose, whatever feels easy for you.</li><li>Breathing gently with no force or effort.</li></ul><p><strong>3. Let your breath move like waves. Steady and continuous.</strong></p><ul><li>Imagine each inhale is like a wave rolling gently into shore.</li><li>Imagine each exhale is that wave flowing calmly back out to sea.</li></ul><p><strong>4. Notice now how you have created a natural rhythm to your breathing.</strong></p><ul><li>With every gentle exhale, imagine you are breathing out the tension in your body.</li><li>With every inhale, imagine you are breathing in calm and strength.</li></ul><p><strong>5. Breathe like this for a few minutes.</strong></p><ul><li>If your mind drifts, gently return to the words &amp; the movement of your hands as they rise and fall with your breath.</li></ul><h3><strong>Notice What Changes</strong></h3><p>Notice how your body is responding. Perhaps you feel your shoulders relaxing and your belly softening? You may or may not feel different right away. That’s okay. This practice isn’t about forcing feelings to return. It’s about creating a thread of connection, however small. Over time, these moments can remind your body that it is safe enough to soften and reconnect.</p><h3><strong>Your Breath Is Always With You</strong></h3><p>You can return to this practice anytime. You don’t need special equipment, or a long session. Even a few minutes using this technique can make a difference. Your breath is always with you.</p><p>Over time, these moments of calm accumulate, creating more space for you to meet life as it is.</p><p>Your breath won’t erase life’s challenges, but it can remind you that with every inhale and every exhale, you carry a simple, effective tool to help bring your mind and body back from overwhelm to greater ease.</p><h3><strong>A Gentle Reminder</strong></h3><p>Think of these practices as gentle tools you can reach for to support your wellbeing. They don’t replace medical or therapeutic care. Please only do what feels supportive for you, and if anything doesn’t feel right, simply return to your natural breath.</p><p>If you or a loved one is struggling with ongoing or overwhelming distress, I encourage you to reach out to a healthcare or mental health professional for extra support.</p>

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When You Feel Numb Or Disconnected: One Breath At A Time.

<p>You know the feeling of having a good day, everything is fine, nothing out of the ordinary, and your body begins to trust, just for a moment, that it’s okay to slide out of fight-or-flight mode. That it’s okay to let your soul settle with a warm cup of tea or a slow, gentle walk.</p><p>And then, just as you begin to allow yourself the confidence to step into a space of trust—boom—the gut punch.</p><p>Your stomach drops and your mind lights up like a thousand fireflies, electrifying every single neural pathway, exploding into a chaotic frenzy of thoughts:</p><p><br /><i>“But what if?”</i><br /><i>“Stay alert.”</i><br /><i>“You can’t be happy.”</i><br /><i>“Don’t let your guard down.”</i><br /><i>“Hurry up.”</i><br /><i>“Hurry up.”</i><br /><i>“Hurrryyyy uppp!”</i></p><h3>When the Mind Spirals</h3><p>As I write this today, my three young children have scurried across the field to see their granny and grandad. I watched them go through the field, climb over the wall onto the driveway, and turn the corner to go inside the house. I was happy, knowing they were safe.</p><p>Then suddenly, a wave of panic came over me—a surge of danger taking over my senses. All the <i>what ifs</i> darting through my vision and mind. I didn’t physically see them walk in the door.<br /><i>What if there was a tractor that didn’t see them in the driveway?</i><br /><i>What if a tree fell down in the wind?</i><br /><i>What if the door to Granny’s is locked and they decide to wander around the fields?</i></p><p>All of these scenarios crept into my body, heightening my senses and triggering my deep-seated fear:</p><blockquote><p><br />“Someone else that I love is going to die.”</p></blockquote><h3>The Need to Know</h3><p>So what did I do? I rang their granny. I had to check. I had to know. I tried to wait 15 minutes, but my thoughts gripped me and a distressed state of consciousness set in.</p><p>It has been, and continues to be, a work in progress to differentiate between reality and thought.</p><h3>The Body Believes the Thought</h3><p>Have you ever noticed that when you think a certain thought, your body responds as if it’s happening in that moment?</p><p>This has been proven by science.</p><p>Our bodies do not know how to separate reality from perceived reality.</p><p><i>For example:</i><br />If I imagine a lemon in my hand—look at it, hold it, smell it, and then take a bite—my body reacts as if I’m biting into a sour lemon. As you read this, do you notice your mouth has more saliva? There’s no lemon in your hand, but your body believes there is.</p><p>This is the same for anxious thoughts.</p><p>When an anxious thought appears, our body believes it to be true.<br />99% of the time, it is not true.</p><h3>What Can We Do?</h3><p>So what can we do to support ourselves in moments of anxiety or overwhelm, when fear creeps into our cells?</p><p>We notice it.</p><p>Yes, it sounds simple for such an active, stimulated state—but it really does start there.<br />We have to begin to stop and truly notice what is going on for us in that moment.</p><p>So many of us are on autopilot, stuck in a heightened state of nervousness due to bereavement. It becomes a way of life. In a way, it feels safe—because the perception is that we have control by trying to manage the situation. But in reality, our thoughts and lack of awareness are in the driving seat.</p><h3>Bringing Yourself Back</h3><ul style="list-style-type:circle"><li>We begin by bringing our attention to our thoughts.</li><li>Notice them.</li><li>Remind yourself, and your body, that this is not happening right now.</li><li>That this is not true.</li><li>That right now, I am safe.</li></ul><p>Bring it back to the present moment.<br />Then we can empower ourselves to take back our own authority.</p><p>For example:<br /><i>Right now I am safe.</i><br /><i>Right now my hands are typing on my laptop.</i><br /><i>Right now there is warmth in my mouth from my ginger tea.</i><br /><i>Right now the rain is bouncing off the window.</i><br /><i>Right now my feet are in fluffy socks.</i><br /><i>Right now I am in my house.</i><br /><i>Right now I am safe.</i></p><p>As you read that paragraph, could you see where I was and what my senses were experiencing?</p><p><br />This is the power of imagination.</p><p><br />It can bring us to terrifying, anxious places—and it can also bring us to warm, tender, soft, and nurturing places.</p><h3>You Have the Power to Choose</h3><p>You have the choice.<br />Take your power back.<br />Start with noticing.</p><p>Remind your body that you are safe in this very moment.<br />These are just thoughts trying to keep you secure and in control.<br />They have served you well until now—and now it’s time to let them go.</p><p>Try reminding yourself:</p><blockquote><p><br /><i>“Yes, [insert your name], of course this is how you are trying to make sense of the world. Of course this is absolutely understandable. You have been through so much. Of course this is how you would be trying to protect yourself.”</i></p></blockquote><h3>Remember Your Compassionate Voice</h3><p>A lovely, easy way to bring yourself out of anxious thoughts and back into the room is to use the five senses. Try it now:</p><ul><li>5 things you can see</li><li>4 things you can touch</li><li>3 things you can hear</li><li>2 things you can smell</li><li>1 thing you can taste</li></ul><h3>Rewiring Takes Time</h3><p>Remember: your brain does not know how to distinguish reality from perceived reality.<br />This takes time to rewire and practice—but the more you do it, the more naturally it will come.</p>

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When Grief Triggers Anxiety: Navigating the Body’s Response

<p>Grief comes in many forms, and every loss is deeply personal. Yet sometimes, the world around us does not acknowledge our pain. This is called disenfranchised grief — a natural emotional response to loss that is not openly accepted or recognised by others. For those experiencing it, the silence or dismissal can be just as painful as the loss itself.</p><h3>What is Disenfranchised Grief?</h3><p>The term was first defined by grief expert Dr. Kenneth Doka in 1989: <i>“Disenfranchised grief refers to a loss that’s not openly acknowledged, socially mourned, or publicly supported.”</i></p><p>This type of grief often arises when:</p><ol><li>The loss is not considered “important enough” by others.</li><li>The type of loss is stigmatised.</li><li>Some people are seen as not “entitled” to grieve.</li><li>The circumstances of the death are denied.</li><li>The way someone expresses their grief is judged.</li></ol><p>Think of moments when someone says, <i>“I was only their friend,”</i> or <i>“We were divorced, so I shouldn’t feel this upset.”</i> These are powerful examples of how people can minimise their own grief because they feel it doesn’t “count.”</p><p>But here’s the truth: <strong>all grief is valid.</strong></p><h3>Why it Matters</h3><p>When grief is not recognised, it can leave the mourner feeling isolated, unwelcome, or even ashamed of their pain. This can make the grieving process longer and more complicated.</p><p>For those bereaved by suicide, disenfranchised grief can feel especially heavy. Because suicide carries stigma, some may feel that others see their loved one’s death as “less worthy” of sympathy, or that they themselves are “less entitled” to grieve. Whether real or imagined, these feelings can prevent people from seeking the support they need — leaving them to carry their grief alone.</p><p>As one bereaved person shared:</p><blockquote><p><br /><i>“When I lost my friend to suicide, people said, ‘But you weren’t family.’ It made me feel like my grief didn’t matter. But it mattered deeply — it still does.”</i></p></blockquote><h3>Finding a Way Forward</h3><p>If you recognise yourself in this type of grief, know that you are not alone — and your feelings are valid. Some steps that may help include:</p><ul><li>Communicate your needs: Let family and friends know what kind of support helps you most. Often, people want to help but feel unsure of what to say or do.</li><li>Seek safe spaces: A support group can offer relief, connection, and validation by bringing together others who truly understand.</li><li>Professional support: Speaking with a grief therapist can provide guidance in processing difficult emotions.</li><li>Stay connected: Whatever you choose, try not to isolate yourself. Reaching out is a sign of strength, not weakness.</li></ul><p>Grief does not need permission to exist — and neither do you. Every relationship, every bond, and every loss is worthy of being honoured. If you are experiencing disenfranchised grief, know that your pain is real, your love is real, and you are deserving of support and compassion.</p><p>For free, peer-led support after suicide loss, visit <a href="https://hugg.ie/find-support-after-a-suicide/ ">HUGG.ie</a>. </p>

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When Grief Goes Unrecognised: Understanding Disenfranchised Grief

<h3>The Day Everything Changed</h3><p>I was ten years of age. My brother Declan had died just a year before. My parents had just returned from a hospital appointment for my dad, Frank. The doctors called it “Broken Heart Syndrome.” He needed a triple bypass within 24 hours or he would die of a heart attack. My dad was just 40.</p><p>He did have the triple bypass the next day—and he is still with us, tenderly and gratefully, 28 years on.</p><h3>Understanding Broken Heart Syndrome</h3><p>This “Broken Heart Syndrome” makes sense to me now.</p><p>Of course, his son had died at just seven years of age from a brain tumour. He was heartbroken. There is no other explanation. As a young child, witnessing my parents’ health fears come to life after Declan died was extremely scary. My heart dropped into my stomach with fear. It made the possibility of another death feel real again.</p><h3>A Family of Shattered Hearts</h3><p>My dad Frank, my mother Helen, and all of us siblings—six of us remaining—had to find ways to tend to our own heartbreak. We were a collective, a unified shattered heart. But we were also individuals. We had to learn to cope in different ways and gain hope and strength from what brought us distraction from the pain—and hopefully some joy too.</p><p>There is no “one size fits all” when it comes to soothing our broken hearts in grief. For my dad, it was physical at that moment. For some of us, it was emotional and mental. So we found our own ways.</p><h3>Surrendering to the Pain</h3><p>A way that worked for me in calming and realigning this fractured muscle of love was to surrender into it. To genuinely feel it. Even though I was terrified of what I would find in there—worried that the desolate pain would capture my entire being. I feared that going to that gut-wrenching place would lead me to a shadowed life of despair and suffering.</p><p>I believed if I could ignore it, then it would go away. I learned that this is not how it works.</p><p>Allowing myself the space to really acknowledge the emptiness and disintegration of what was once a whole, strong, and immaculate source of love—and coming to the reality that this was now different.</p><p>Yes, a piece of me had been internally fragmented. And along with this, I noticed the physical pain in my chest.</p><h3>A Grounding Practice for Grief</h3><p>What you can do right now:</p><ul style="list-style-type:circle"><li>Ensure you are in a place where you feel safe. Sit down with your two feet on the floor.</li><li>Notice your heart. Allow yourself some space to feel into this shattered part of your anatomy. Name it and claim it. This is yours. This is a part of you, and it is there through the absolute love and purity of connection that you had the honour of knowing through your loved one.</li><li>Notice if it is physically painful. It may feel overwhelming. Take a breath. Yes, breathe into that overwhelm. As you read this now, take a deep, intentional breath of acknowledgement—right down into those broken parts of your heart. Hold it, and release the sense of freedom and connection you feel as you allow your shoulders to drop into this reality.</li><li>Don’t be afraid to feel into it. You have already been feeling it, but often you’ve tried to push it away. Today is different. It is safe to tune inwards. This is sadness. This is loss. Your heart needs to be acknowledged, felt, and held.</li></ul><h3>Holding Your Heart with Intention</h3><p>Hold your heart intentionally. Place your hand over your heart. Notice the warmth from your hands entering the skin, moving down through the blood and deep into the muscles and chambers of your weary heart.</p><p>Give yourself this space, this time. You are here right now. Breathe in and breathe out.</p><p>Remember—you are feeling this pain for a reason. Tune in to yourself. Through connection to your own body, soul, and energy, you can begin to bring soothing and healing into each of your cells and crevices.</p><p>It is okay to feel that release. It is okay to let that go. It does not mean that you are letting them go. It means that you are letting the pain of the absence go—not them.</p><h3>A Balm for the Heart</h3><p>Think of soothing as though you are placing a calming, loving balm around your heart. It is safe, and it is mending. Your nervous system will begin to regulate.</p><p>Each of us has a different connection to our loved one who has died. However, where we notice their absence is internally—in our hearts, in the emptiness, and in the sense of numbness.</p><p>By tuning into your heartspace, it can reawaken the sensations and the energy flow, which in turn offers your body and soul vitality and movement. The blood will start to flow again where it once felt cold and shaken, as you gently and delicately soothe your broken heart with contention, intention, and warmth.</p><h3>Healing Begins Within</h3><p>These are grounding techniques that are simple and accessible. Your intentions are available to you at all times.</p><p>As a co-founder of <a href="https://www.jacintassmile.ie/">Jacinta’s Smile</a>, it is important for me and my sisters to remember to tune into our hearts and offer soothing. By doing this, we can offer support and regulation to others.</p><p>Healing begins by going inwards—and in turn, we can illuminate from the inside out.</p>

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Soothing a Broken Heart: A Child’s Journey Through Grief and Healing

<h3>Returning to Work After the Loss of Your Baby</h3><p>Coming back to work after the loss of your baby is one of the most difficult steps you may ever take. It can feel surreal — like the world has kept moving while yours stood still. Grief doesn’t follow a schedule, and stepping back into a routine that once felt normal can now feel overwhelming, even impossible.</p><p>You may find comfort in the structure of work, or you may struggle with the routine and the memories tied to your pregnancy. Both reactions are valid. There’s no “right way” to navigate this.</p><p>If it feels right for you, consider asking HR or your manager to send a message to your team before you return, explaining what has happened. This can ease the pressure of answering difficult questions or navigating awkward silences. You might include specific requests — such as asking colleagues not to avoid you or the subject, or alternatively, asking that your baby not be mentioned at all. You can also express that while you appreciate people’s care, you don’t want to be treated differently. Let them know how you’d like to be supported (or not) as you return, and that your boundaries may shift day by day.</p><p>This return isn’t about “moving on” — it’s about learning to carry your grief with you and adjusting to a new normal.</p><h3>Consider a Phased Return to Work</h3><p>If possible, explore a phased return. Being expected to work a full week straight away can feel overwhelming when you're still navigating deep grief. Starting with shorter hours or fewer days can give you space to breathe and adjust at your own pace.</p><p>Taking one day — or even one hour — at a time can make the transition feel more manageable. Speak with your manager or HR about what’s possible. Many workplaces are more flexible than we expect, especially when they understand the emotional weight you’re carrying.</p><p>You are not alone. And you don’t have to do this all at once. One hour, one task, one day at a time.</p><h3>Finding Support After Baby Loss</h3><p>Connecting with others who have experienced similar loss can be incredibly comforting. Support groups offer a space to feel less alone and more understood.</p><p>As bereavement therapist Dr. Peter Hanlon puts it, </p><blockquote><p><i>“The best thing to give a bereaved parent is another bereaved parent.”</i> </p></blockquote><p>Sometimes, just knowing someone truly understands your pain can offer a sense of solace and strength that words alone cannot provide.</p><h3>Grief Comes in Waves</h3><p>Grief doesn’t follow a timeline. Certain moments — a memory, a date, a conversation — can feel like waves crashing all over again. Recognising this, and giving yourself the space and tools to cope, can make those waves a little more bearable.</p>

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Returning to Work After Baby Loss: Navigating Grief in the Workplace

<p><span style="color:hsl(0, 0%, 0%)"><i>By Aidan McKiernan, Principal Specialist Clinical Psychologist, LauraLynn, Ireland’s Children’s Hospice</i></span></p><p><span style="color:hsl(0, 0%, 0%)">The death of a child is one of the most profoundly painful losses a family can endure. The initial grief can feel overwhelming because, in addition to the extremely painful physical separation from the child or young person, the roles, routines and relationships in the family are suddenly upended. And yet, somehow, families carry within themselves inner resources that enable them to reorient their lives – not to “move on” or “get over” - but to adjust to a changed rhythm.</span></p><p><span style="color:hsl(0, 0%, 0%)">With support and the passage of time (realistically in the case of the death of a child or young person, the timeline is some years), families do return to a level of functioning and well-being that is similar to life before the child’s death, even though the absence is always felt. For some families, the loss can become a point of transformation, a painful, unbidden learning occurs that helps them to develop a deeper understanding of what matters most in life (an understanding that the rest of us can spend much of our lives oblivious to). A re-evaluation of priorities can follow, and a renewed appreciation for the relationships that are important and sustaining. Through these processes, families can discover strengths they did not know they possessed.</span></p><p><span style="color:hsl(0, 0%, 0%)">Because self-compassion soothes emotional pain and helps to regulate strong emotion, families benefit from intentionally practicing kindness towards themselves. In the first place, this means allowing oneself to grieve at one’s own pace and in one’s own way. The business of compassion may also involve the family finding a way to extend compassion towards others (by practising patience when others interact with them in a clumsy way, for example), because this patience is protective of the relationships that the family lean into.</span></p><p><span style="color:hsl(0, 0%, 0%)">Making space for grief is important also, as compared with continuously suppressing or avoiding: one or two breaths, acknowledging the physical sensations and feelings that are present, and returning to whatever is most relevant to the situation right now (boiling the kettle, showering, making a meal). Crucially, just as we benefit from acknowledging loss, so is it true that space away from the raw intensity of grief is important and necessary. Finding this balance is a life-long process.</span></p><p><span style="color:hsl(0, 0%, 0%)">Even when a child dies – even when a loss so major is experienced - connection, purpose, and joy are possible. It is reasonable and realistic to be hopeful that these things will be felt again, someday. But compassion comes first.</span></p>

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Resilience of Families in the Face of the Loss of a Child

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Topic: Bereavement