Your Guide to Funeral Etiquette: What’s Okay and What’s Not

Funerals are emotional, often overwhelming days – full of people trying their best to say the right thing. But in between the hugs and kind words, there’s often a quiet undercurrent of curiosity or confusion. People want to help, be respectful, and not put a foot wrong… but they also have questions.

Here are some of the most common ones I hear – and a little guidance for anyone wondering the same.

1. Is it okay to wear colour?

Yes – if the family has indicated it. Many now ask for bright colours or something cheerful to reflect the person’s personality. But if nothing is stated, you can’t go wrong with classic, smart, neutral tones. When in doubt, understated is safest. Read more about what to wear to funerals here. 

2. Should I go to the wake, the funeral, or both?

Do what feels appropriate based on your relationship. Close friends and family often attend both. Acquaintances or former colleagues may choose one or the other. If you can’t go at all, sending a card, flowers, or a message of support is still appreciated.

3. Can I bring my kids?

Unless they are close family, it’s usually best not to. Wakes and funerals can be long, emotionally charged, and overwhelming for little ones – and the last thing anyone needs is extra distraction. Of course, if they're directly related or the family has welcomed it, that’s different. But otherwise, it’s better not to bring them.

4. Where should I sit?

The front rows are generally reserved for close family. If you're not sure where to sit, choose somewhere towards the middle or back. It's always better to hang back than to accidentally take a seat meant for immediate family.

5. What should I say to the family?

A simple “I’m so sorry for your loss” is more than enough. You don’t need the perfect words. Being there and showing up means more than you realise. Don’t ask too many questions. Just be present, kind, and gentle.

6. Is it okay to laugh or tell stories?

Absolutely – when the moment is right. Many families want to hear stories or fond memories. Funerals can be sad, but they can also be full of love, humour, and warmth. Read the room – if people are sharing memories, it’s okay to join in.

7. Can I take photos?

Only if you’re sure it’s appropriate – and never during the service itself. Some families ask for photos to remember who attended. Others find it intrusive. When in doubt, leave the phone in your bag and be fully present.

Final Thought

Grief is deeply personal, and every family will handle it differently. If you're attending a funeral, your respect and thoughtfulness will go a long way – even if you’re unsure of the “rules.”